Nothing Profound Here

I have been on a much needed vacation and have done nothing seriously important since the 21st.  Between then and now I've gone on vacation, hugged my family so much that I'm sure they got tired of it, made peace with some things that needed burying, and have decided to try to strike a new accord with some old relationships.  Nothing may come of that BUT I'm okay with that as well.  Having another milestone birthday has given me a new wave of understanding of myself and what I'd like to be doing now and in the future.  And because I think she did it well, I'm stealing an idea from a sorority sister make this year amazing by saying yes to as many things and experiences as I can.  Life is too short to keep saying no to things out of fear or reluctance.  I've done a few of those as part of the vacation.  I don't really like big gatherings with folks I don't know but I engaged in two of them last week lol.  Those don't count as I didn't embrace them for what I could get out of them but I will explore and do my best.  And as of this afternoon, I got in workout 100 for the year.  I may go tomorrow before they close but I may just chill and do things for work since that starts again on Monday.  Have a happy New Year to each and every one of you.  Thanks for continuing to stick with me as I ebb and flow through this whole thing.  I'm off to find gray hair for the next braid or twist or what not phase.

In light of recent events

This post will be a detour from the rest.  I had planned to do a birthday recap because I just crossed a new birthday milestone and the semester is finally really over and after noon tomorrow I get my life back in theory for a few weeks as I prep for the spring semester and work for something else.  But you know what they say about God laughing at us when we go making plans.  Friday afternoon I got a call from a sorority sister that I love but we don't speak often really.  I didn't immediately think something bad had happened until I got her text message a few moments later and then called her back.  I'm not sure how many of you know that I'm in a sorority or why this would matter but I became a Delta in 2004.  Well before that moment I stumbled upon a website so many aspiring Deltas did at that moment and have in the interim, The DeltaNet.  The owner was a long time Delta who wanted to provide some honest resources for folks who were like myself.  But the majority of the site was for members and while it stayed that way no one really seemed to care.  When there became a private area for the non members all hell broke loose and the owner, Bonita Jackson Butler, was suspended for a while.  She was suspended when I crossed and didn't come to my initiation but sent me the best gifts because in the five years I had gotten to know her she was one of the most trusted people in my little Delta world.  Even though there were ebbs and flows in our relationship over the last ten years she was still one of the few people programmed in my phone under the Soror tag.  She and others had told me at the time I crossed that every Soror is a Delta but every Delta is not YOUR soror and people had borne that out many a time since then but not her.  If she agreed with me or didn't she was always clear about it and it didn't impact our relationship.

So moving back to Friday and the unexpected phone call.  I was made aware that Beejae had died in her sleep the night before.  If there had been alcohol nearby I would have had a drink but I was in my office working on grades and had to mentally take a break.  She had recently had a few health issues recently but nothing that she should have died from.  She was very much so missing her mother who had died earlier this year but she was enjoying life with her husband and just seemed to be on the road to happily ever after.  I worked all of yesterday because I had to but now that the work is done and I am back to processing life I'm hurt again for her, for her husband and for all the people that genuinely loved her or were the benefactors of her love.

I just watched an episode of Say Yes To the Dress where mom and daughter were in conflict about a wedding dress purchase.  Both of them clearly loved each other and eventually came to an agreement and I was a teary eyed mess.  Which made me think about my own mother.  I love her and I'm sure she loves me as well.  But I have never had the kind of relationship with her that Beejae had with her mom or others seem to have with their mothers--well those with healthy mom relationships.  From tying her shoelaces because she didn't (still doesn't really) know how to making dinner to giving up activities to take care of my brother, I have always felt less like her child than another parent in the house.  My brother would tell you I raised him.  There was a point in time that they hadn't seen my mother's signature on things for so long (because I was told to just sign stuff myself not because I was a horrible child lol) that the one day she insisted on writing me a note for school they called because they thought I had forged it.  She didn't hurt us.  We weren't neglected or physically abused ever.  Mentally her jabs weren't conscious attempts to wound us she was just lashing out because we didn't appear to be siding with her instead of our father when it came to whatever she was upset about.  When she is no longer with us it will hurt just like it did when dad died.  I am just wondering if I'll understand what other folks are going through who clearly get upset when I talk about my relationship with mom as they mourn their own mothers.

I can't say that I will for certain, no one knows how that will go I understand but I do know that right now my heart is heavy because I lost another woman that I respected and whom appeared to embrace those she really cared about with her entire heart.  No strings attached just room for you if you chose to take it.  I know this is part of life.  It's a part that sucks though.  I will be back later this week full of cheer cause my nieces are making me giggle.  If not then let me wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Festive Kwanzaa, Festivus for the rest of us, or just a good day if you don't celebrate a thing.

Fifty Million Shades of Gray

I promise this isn't a post about that horrific book and from what I hear that mildly but not really sexual movie.  So I got my hair twisted.  As usual it's a godsend.  Somewhat atypical I am doing a better job of using the moisturizing spray and leave in conditioner on the length of my hair like Gina Marie mentioned in a video not too long ago.  Now that I have recommitted to getting my 100 workouts in this year, not having to toy with my hair is much appreciated.  I am six away from that for those who are wondering.  But as is also usual the gray hair that stays mostly hidden for a week or so is like yeah chick I'm back.  I know it's not likely that the braid shop keeps it in stock and not wanting them to order a bunch just for me I went looking for gray braiding hair.  Go figure that was trendy this year for some reason.  Edgy and different to purposely dye your hair gray instead of letting nature do it to you slowly over a prolonged period of time I get it.  I think it's weird but I get it lol.  There seem to be no shortage of braiding hair brands and options online.  I know what I'm Looking for in terms of color but what I'm finding is there is no standard gray.

There's a gray and black ombre.  If the color pattern was flipped it might be okay but not my favorite look.

There's what looks to be a medium gray as well but it seems too dark for my hair which is closer to white than a straight gray.

There is also a mix but I can only find that on Amazon and one local store and the hair felt like crap so I left it there.  The look is cute on the blogger (SimplyGorgeousNic) that I saw but the hair isn't local.  Random aside: as I went to check out the blog to properly give her credit she's raving about the hair so I trolled a few videos and found it at BNG hair.  I may have completed my search, we'll see.

And then there's just plain old white which seems way too drastic for my hair and face even though my hair has begun to abandon all pigment like an evil little color sucking troll camped out and went to town.

Blah, all in an effort to blend my hair into the braids better I'm on the great gray braiding hair hunt.  Here's a photo of me shortly after they were installed.

And one from a few days ago I think.

It was clearly sloppy pull back day.  But it works and I like them so much more than the last time I had them done. I greatly appreciate one of the stylists well not two in the shop that do my hair because they pay attention and they work quickly without being weird or eating in my ear---I seriously cannot explain how much I seriously hate that.

So what do you think of gray/silver/white braids?  I'm excited about the possibility even though I think it will just confuse people more.  The woman at the braid shop thought I wanted the silver hair to be cute until she saw my damn near white hair and said my hair doesn't match my face and I look much younger.  I'll take it, especially less than a week from my next birthday but the gray hair has been my friend since I was twelve, so a long damn time lol.